Hey Derek,

Sorry i havent been on here in a while... Did you have a good birthday? Hope you liked the balloon i left for you at your bench... the only wish i made on your birthday was that instead of you getting all the gifts that maybe i could get one and that it would be YOU.
I miss you so much... I am so angry at this world why did you have to leave? We were suppose to go to Vegas when you turned 21. and now who knows when we will get that chance???
Derek I hate the world right now more than ever. So many people are grieving down here it seems everywhere I turn someone has just lost a loved one. When is it going to stop? Im so scared that death is going to show its ugly face in our familly again. I dont think I would be able to handle that. Im so scared that mom or Eric or someone else close to my heart will be taken from me and then what??? I hate living in fear and suffering when will my heart start to mend itself? I know you cant answer these questions for me in fact i dont think anyone can but this is how i feel.
I HATE LIFE.
Sometimes the anger inside of me takes over and I get snappy at mom and eric and my friends then i feel so bad afterwards they didnt do anything wrong. The only thing wrong is the world and why it has to be so cruel sometimes. Why cant death stay away from the community of Ladner we have all been through enough and now another familly is grieving...
Josh Turner is up there with you now. I went to see Anita and his parents the other day with mom... I took Anita a yellow bear to hold when she needs strength as she gave me one when you passed away. I feel their pain but at the same time my tears are shed for you also. I didnt think I had any tears left.
Did you know that in the past 2-3 years i have been to 7-9 funnerals and ill be attending my 10th tomorrow... IN 2-3 years that is too many Derek... i need some sort of sign that God does have a plan for everyone and that he took you and all the other young ladner boys for good reasons. He needs to explain himself because I dont understand... Why so many famillies? Im so lost and confused.
As christmas gets closer again this year i cant help but try to remember all the christmas' we had together... memeber the year we got bikes but 'santa' put them in opposite rooms? You were up at like 3am about to go into moms room when you heard her on the phone with joan telling her about some bikes and then you went back to your room to find a girls bike waiting for YOU??? no way your bike was in my room and you couldnt wait so you started to switch them around made such a noise that we all woke up and had xmas at 330am then went back to bed Or how about the year we 3 (mom you and I) all took the bus to creston? Did you know that mom and I are going there this year for xmas??? did you hide anymore ornaments on Ethel? You got her good last year as she swears you had something to do with the missing one.
well derek again xmas this year will come and go BIG deal its just not the same with out you droping my stocking on my stomach to wake me up and then start to open all our gifts.
O hey did you see how good I did up the mountain on your birthday I rode your board i think that is why i did so well.. you were riding along with me... i only feel trying to get off that dang chair lift... still cant do it.
Well little bro you know how much I love you cant say it enough and how much i miss you and long to see you again. the sooner the better for me. I dont know how much longer i can live with this pain and worry of whos next to leave me???
Derek you are my angel. You help me up when I am down and you give me that extra push when I think i cant go on anymore. please hold my hand through out the holidays i need you. no one else understands the way you do. take care say hi to everyone up there with you give Colin a great big hug for me. Tell him mom misses him oh so much just as she does you. Derek Im worried about her and I dont know how to help her. please let me know what I can do... i just dont have the strength anymore.

I LOVE YOU ALWAYS AND FOREVER until i hold you again
Yous SISTER steph