Patti and Steph,

I'm truly sorry I haven't kept in contact with you. I feel like I don't know why I've acted this way, but thats not true. I know why. IT's just so much easier not to think about it. It's easier not to imagine how you feel, when I know I'm still struggling. It;s hard to imagine what you must feel on a daily basis, when i know my heart still aches. And I just can't deal with that. I'm sorry.
Derek meant EVERYTHING to me, and we were just friends, nothing like the bond you guys had. I can't imagine how you live every day. It's so hard. I still can't believe this has happened. Don't
get me wrong, I'm feeling better ( I was really depressed for awhile) but when I think about all the fun times we had together it feels like it kinda sets me back a bit. Even though I'm happiest while thinking of him, it's still tougher than tough. I always think of this one night that Derek, Lauren, Craig, Tyler and myself crashed at my house. So many funny things happened that night, and now Derek and Tyler are gone and it blows my mind.
It blows my mind that only Craig, Lauren and I are around to talk about it.
But I know that Derek is watching over me and everyone and that's the only thing that somewhat dulls the pain. Sometimes I talk to him...... I mean I can feel him around, I know he's with me, so I tell him how cute he is, and silly, and how much I miss him. Sometimes I'll be watching Tv and I'll sit
there with a warm feeling like I'm watchong TV with someone, not even realizing that no ones there until I look beside me and my eyes don't see anyone. It's shocking, but then I know it's Derek. He even pulls my hair sometimes...I swear to god...... there's no other explanation, other than it's Derek. And one time I was talking to him, just about my day, and my boyfriends friend came over. He walked in my apartment and then like Derek was leading him over he picked up Derek's picture and just started starring at it. Finally I asked him why he did that, why he didn't come sit down or even say hi, and he just kept repeating, I don't know, I don't know, the second I entered your apartment a strange feeling came over me. Then I started crying and I told him it's cause Derek's in the room. He only hung out with Derek a bunch of times with us, but he misses him too. Derek made such an impact on everyone he met, it just ripps me apart to think that no one else will get to experience the way Derek was, and the way he made you feel while you were with him. Anyways, again I'm sorry, but it's just easier for me to not deal with anything. I may be running away from the pain, but right now it's better than dealing with it. I don't have the internet, so it's very unlikely i'll be able to check my emails again soon, but I'll do my best, if you want to write back. I do miss you guys soooooo much........ maybe i'll run into you at the bench. I love it there.
Derek's always there when someone else is there thinking about him. CYA
Later
And if you ever have a reading again, please please please, pass along my
love.

-J. S.

P.S. Thanks so much for putting picures up of Derek and myself.... I love them... that really touched me.... and made me cry, but what else is new
these days.